Cults and Rashes

Cults and Rashes

by: El Presidente

I've practiced a lot of religions over the years and of all of them, my favorite is still the Fraternal Order of Eternal Christmas. It was a fairly small group that I helped put together in '2003 just outside of Elwood, Indiana. The basic tenet was that, for us, Christmas was every single day. We'd wake up every morning and open presents, then we'd all sit around and have a delicious group lunch. At night, we'd have Christmas Eve dinner with goose and stuffing and then we'd go to bed, waiting for the whole thing to happen all over again. I came up with this groovy creation story about Santa being a real man that arose from an elven tribe living among the polar ice caps. People really seemed to dig it. We got about thirty or forty followers before we got shut down by the State of Indiana. Apparently, people were doing a lot of stealing to keep the religion going financially.

This is going to come as a shock to all of you, so find yourself a recliner and park your caboose in it because here we go: I love Christmas decorations. I do. Lights, mangers, inflatable Santas – you name it, I love it. They remind me of some really great trips I took back in the day.

You know what I found out? Menorahs make great weapons. Just swap out the candles with razor blades and you're good to go.

If you can't afford a Christmas turkey from the supermarket, just bag yourself a free Canadian Goose. They're all over the place and taste very festive.

During the holidays, I like to go to the mall dressed as Santa. You'd be surprised how much free food you get when you're in costume. Last year I got in a fight with the "real" mall Santa and I kicked his ass back to the North Pole, which, for him, was somewhere out by Castleton. Took a lot of pictures with kids that day and I made a bunch of moola, too.

Let's talk about gas, because at this moment in history, it's out of control. Seriously. I've had bad gas for weeks now and I don't know what to do about it. It's terrible and I mean really awful. It smells a little like a mix between very wet cats and regurgitated corn chips. I don't know what's been causing it, but I need to find out because it's making me sick.

Honestly, if I didn't have to smell it myself, I'd be happy about it. Gas is a powerful weapon. You want some space to yourself? Unload a popper and those seats next to you clear out real fast. You want a day off of work? Start a little seat orchestra and you'll be sent home in no time. I wish I were back in my twenties when I couldn't smell anything because then I'd have some fun with these stinkbombs. Sadly, every time I let one go, I'm my own first victim.

I end up being victim to myself a lot. That's what happens when you do a lot of home chemical mixing. It started out as a hobby, but I've really stepped up my game in the last few years. I'm trying to find a chemical cure for wrinkles, but it's not going so well. I have, however, invented quite a few potions for giving yourself rashes. When rashes come back into "vogue," I'll be the king of the rash world.

Rash World sounds like a really fun theme park, don't you think? I'd visit, as long as the admission price wasn't too high. I wonder if they have funnel cakes at Rash World. Funnel cakes are incredible. They're my favorite fried batter-based cake.

Other types of cakes that I enjoy: snack cakes, birthday cakes, coffee cakes, tea cakes, ice cream cakes, urinal cakes, erotic cakes, layer cakes, hot cakes, and wedding cakes. Cakes that I do not enjoy: cupcakes. Why waste my time on a cupcake when I can get the real deal? Cupcakes should only be eaten in times of war or famine. Or when they're filled with cream.

El Presidente