Three men were hiking through a forest........
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "Lord, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! Lord gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "Lord, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! Lord gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "Lord, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Shakespeare Pick Up Lines
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."
"Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"
"If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty
unknown
but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"
"Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"
"My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."
"Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the
evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."
"Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"
"Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast
eyes upon thy beauty!"
"Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"
"Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."
THE LOVE DRESS
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work.," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're NAKED!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my Love Dress." the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love Dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
"This is My Love Dress." She replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.
I'm divorcing my wife because she has disgusting habits
A man is having a beer with his buddies at the bar and tells them,
"I'm divorcing my wife because she has disgusting habits. I went to pee in the sink this morning and it was still full of dirty dishes..."
The Bear Trap
A guy goes to his doctor and the doctor says he has to have an operation on his knees. The doctor says that knee operations are difficult and painful. He asks the guy if he's ever experienced extreme pain. The man replies that once he was hunting in the woulds in the fall and had to take a dump. He leaned his gun against a tree and pulled his pants down and squated down. He said " I squated down on a bear trap and it sprung". The doctor cringed and said "Damn I bet that hurt like hell". The man says" Oh yeah that hurt, but not half as bad as when I hit the end of that chain".
The naked lady and the beer
One day a completely naked young lady walks into a bar. Of course,
the bartender stares at her as she walks up to his bar. "What?" says
the young lass. "Haven't you seen a naked lady before?" The
bartender continues to stare at her. "Give me a beer," she says.
"And stop staring like a fool!" The bartender fetches her a brew and
then answers her original question -- "Of course I have seen naked
ladies before! But I was just curious as to where you'll pull the
money from to pay for this beer."
WARNING!...Obama jokes
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree - and think
25 to life would be appropriate. Jay Leno
America needs Obama-Care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Conan O'Brian
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. Jay Leno
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to
society.
The other is for housing prisoners. David Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the
ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A. America. Fallon
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. Kimmel
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers"
program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. David
Letterman
A very prestigious cardiologist died
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.
This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question..
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
My Private Part died today
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy" said Mr. Wallace.
"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace.
"I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."
I'd rather have a baby!"
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her
he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a
tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather
have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
When you take a dump , ever wonder what kind you took
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
Sometimes when poop happens. Here are some poop definitions...
Ghost poop
You know you've poop. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
Teflon Coated poop
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey poop
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought poop
You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead poop
This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly poop
You poopso much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now poop
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker poop
This poopis so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poopusually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks poop
This poophits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
Wish poop
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
Cement Block or Oh God poop
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Snake poop
This poopis fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork poop(Also Known as Floater poop)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poopusually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food poop(also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
Beer Drunk poop
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poopdoesn't smell too bad, but this poopis BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poopalso usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of poopthat just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee poop
The kind of poopthat just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire poop
The kind of poopwhere you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of poopwhere you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of poopthat no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The poopty poopty Bang Bang
The kind of poopthat hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk poop
The king of poopthat sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper poop
The kind of poopthat yanks out the hair of your butt as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant poopyou take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas poop
The kind of poopthat makes you pbutt out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl poop
The kind of poopthat comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City poop
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.
Oh poop! poop
You poopso much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH poop!
The Never Ending poop
It's the poopthat keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poopruns out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt poop
The type of poopthat leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
A monastery has accepted 3 candidates for becoming the newest novice monks
A monastery has accepted 3 candidates for becoming the newest novice monks. So far, they have passed all the tests, and only one more test stands in their way. The CELIBACY TEST!!!!!!!!!!
The lucky 3 sit in a line on a bench, and have little bells attached to their wee wees, to see how...excited they are at what they say. Then, in comes a hot, sexy belly-dancer, dressed in a series of veils, who begins to dance erotically for the 3 candidates.
Before even the second veil has come off, TING-A-LING!! the first candidate's bell has rung. The old monk in charge of them states, disapprovingly, "I am disappointed in you, Candidate 1. Clearly you have no control whatsoever over your carnal desires. You and take a freezing, cold shower and think about your failure".
The dance continues, and, before long, the second candidate's bell has rung. TING-A-LING!! again, the old monk says, "You have very weak control over your carnal desires, Candidate 2. Again, this is disappointing. Go to the cold shower, and ponder over your failure."
However, even when the belly-dancer has taken off all her veils, and is dancing completely naked, the third candidate shows no emotion whatsoever, and his bell does not ring. Finally, when the belly-dancer stops, exhausted.
"I am very impressed, Candidate 3," says the old monk. "Clearly you have what it takes to be an excellent monk. You have passed the chastity test. For now, please go to join your failed fellows in the cold shower."
TING-A-LING!! The third candidate's bell rings...
50 year surprise
A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
